Oh, you'll do fine/It'll all be worth it.

December 1, 2009: Things not to say to me

When I'm not getting an academic punch to the nuts (law school), I like to spend my time talking to friends. Inevitably, they always manage to pose the same questions/statements. Luckily, for everyone's convenience, I'll answer those questions and shed light on those response for everyone all at once. Here goes:

Q: Hey man, how's law school?
A: Shitty. For every 8 hours I spend studying, I receive 2 hours of class time telling me I'm barely competent enough to make ice water and not shit myself in public. See how that could get old?

S: Why study so much, I thought you were smart?
A: Yeah, you're right. I'm smart, so obviously there's no need to spend time doing bullshit things like studying the complex United States legal system. I could maximize my free time with productive things, like sticking my dick in a light socket or banging my head against a wall.

S: Yeah, but think man...it'll all be worth it.
A: THE WORST STATEMENT EVER. I don't want to hear that. At all. There's no light at the end of the tunnel, my eyes are just getting used to the dark. You know what else would be worth it? Kicking you in the teeth.

S: Yeah, I know what you're going through, I just finished a 12 page English paper.
A: No you fucking don't. Period. I'd burn down a building full of America's cutest puppies to only have to do a 12 page English paper. What else is due tomorrow, your thesis on how to not get your dick caught in your fly?

Q: Hey man, I have this legal problem...
A: Stop right there. I've been in law school for 4 months, I'm not a lawyer, not even close. I'd love to bill you for my wildly unlearned legal opinion (for now), but things called LAWS prevent me from doing that. Guess you could always take the unconventional approach and ask a real lawyer.

Q: Well what the hell are you learning up there?
A: I'm really sorry in 4 months I haven't learned what your legal rights are after you power bombed your girlfriend into a dumpster. I really am. I know it doesn't seem like I've learned jack shit, but there's more to law than your specific problems. But you're right, I'm useless.

S: Yeah, I'm thinking about law school, I love law and order....
A: Wait...What?