Gunners. I wish I could define it into a workable definition. In law school, your professors will rely on the Socratic method, a cruel system of the professor posing a question to a specific student and obviously, the student answering. Note the emphasis on specific. The gunner tests the bounds of this idea. The gunner wants his/her answers to be heard and NEVER think of the consequences. Well, if I can't think of a good workable definition, I know I can create examples....
Classic Gunner (CG): Loud, inappropriate, lacking the IQ to be executed for a criminal offense: all of these are qualities that describe your vintage, classic gunner. The classic gunner will never fail to deliver at least once a class, to the dissatisfaction of your professor and peers. Don't confuse with the helpful volunteer, whose contributions are generally useful and make class meaningful. The classic gunner believes his answers are as true as Black's Law Dictionary. In all reality, they employ the legal analytical skills of Charles Barkley. Turrible. I don't have anything funny to say about the classic gunner, it's just a good introduction.
Captain Hypo (CHG): Hypotheticals are posed by your professor to test your knowledge of a rule and apply it to facts. If you're unlucky, you'll always have a CHG in your class. The CHG loves to make up his own facts and shoots them right back at the professor. These aren't legit questions. These are bullshit absurd scenarios that John fucking Grisham couldn't imagine.
Ex. CHG: So, what if a left handed Lithuanian woman, who just left her boss' Christmas party and is hammered drunk, drives into a pet store, sets free a few poisonous snakes, that proceed to slither into a hospital, bite 13 people, including one that was deathly ill, and transmitted the Ebola virus throughout the city?
Oh..my...God. How the hell did you conceive that? I'll answer your question for you in the approach that every jurisdiction has adopted: SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you want to make the professor hate you by asking him questions that couldn't be answered by Justice Scalia, do it on your own time. I don't pay my tuition to hear your useless hypotheticals, I'd rather listen to the only person in the room with a law degree teach.
The Great Storyteller: The great storyteller really doesn't have a wrong answer, or a terrible hypothetical to pose; they just want to tell a personal story that may/may not be relevant to what you're covering in class. NEWSFLASH: Nobody fucking cares. Period. You're not on Oprah shithead, keep your stories to yourself. There was a time when this type of participation was welcomed, it was also proceeded by recess and snack time and it wasn't a big deal if you happened to pee your pants.
The Eternal Winner (EW): Remember when your mother told you there will always be someone better than you? This person is always better than you. They can't hear your objections over the sound of how awesome they are. Check out some examples:
Ex. Man that property test whipped my ass.
EW: NOT ME! I fucked that test like a tied up goat in a state prison!
Ex. I can't believe I got an A- on my contracts essay!
EW: Weak sauce, needledick! I got an A+! Who let this fucking guy in our class?
Ex. I don't get the Rule Against Perpetuities at all...
EW: Are you a dumbshit? It's sooooo easy!
There are a few interesting points about these interactions other than they're a complete prick. They're lying most of the time OR they are smarter than you and will let you know it. Don't get me wrong, I'm super competitive, I'm making it top priority to try to get in the top 10% of my class, but if I do, I probably won't tell a soul about it. THAT'S the difference between me and the EW. The EW will do better than you, or they will lie about it. Either way, expect a huge billboard telling the whole world when it happens.
The Classhole: The worst gunner of all. This gunner is a legend and every person in every section in all 3 grades of law school knows their name. Imagine Forrest Gump goes to law school, if you will. They may assert their dominion as a dumbass early on by asking a question much like the Eternal Winner, but they'll soon shine through as The Classhole, the #1 Gunner. The classhole's ignorance extends far beyond the class setting, as they're mind-fucked thought process will openly spill in the hallways or library like a toxic waste dump, infecting everyone around them. You'll first find yourself involuntarily muttering "who the fuck is this jackass?" every time they talk. Next, this will evolve to "man will he just be quiet" and finally hitting its full blown fruition of "OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU HERE?". The mere raising of their hand will send a shock wave of discontented sighs, groans, and pure frustration across the room like a wildfire in Chinatown. Hearing one comment from the Classhole will make more facebook chat boxes pop up than a bad virus. It is completely obvious who the Classhole is to everyone BUT the Classhole. To quote a popular video "If you don't know who the Classhole is, it's probably you."
But for all of their flaws, the gunners do provide amusement and sometimes take the stress out of a class covering something stressful like future interests or UCC 2-207. However, they'll always eventually say something ridiculous that shocks the mind and will inevitably make the entire class say wait...what?
