December 2009: Eat me

Well well well, with the first semester down and in the books, I can't say I've ever been happier to have a semester complete in my life. Filled with months of outlining and briefing transformed into days of panicking and cramming. Ultimately, it all culminates into hours of forgetting half the shit you learned and putting down an essay holding the coherency of a piss pattern in the snow. The WORST thing you could ever hope to do when leaving a law school exam is discuss it. EVER. If you want to feel like you've just submitted roughly 14 applications to every fast food restaurant in the area, go ask someone what the issues to question 1 were. Allow me to walk you through every single mistake you could make post-law school exam aka what I did after my first one to make sure you feel sufficiently inadequate:

Step 1: Try to figure out how you did

After my first exam, I had given myself 3 separate grades before I reached my car. They went as follows: Someone come blow me because I just made an A, Holy fuck...how did I forget all of those issues, and Do they REALLY have dental insurance at McDonalds? Obviously those are too messy to fit onto transcripts so I was wasting my time. Don't try to figure out what your grade was, because you have no idea. You got somewhere in the range of A+ to ouch. Just move on with it already.

Step 2: Ask the audience!

Worst mistake ever. Want to make yourself like you belong in assisted living? Go ask your friends what they put down. Hoooollly shit will it ever mind fuck you. All of the issues that you and your friends allegedly spotted and discussed will make you feel like you spent the last 4 months of your life learning how to incorrectly wipe your own ass because the paper you just handed in is covered with shit. Just employ the talk shop rule after you leave that mental ass kicking: Don't talk about it at all, loser gets punched in the dick. I bet no one is quick to talk about all the elements in promissory estoppel now are they?

Usually, my blogs are devoted to the terrible shit we all get exposed to in law school. I figured I would do everyone a service and take it a step further: My return to home. Determined to go home and leave this shit hole for a few weeks, I left out the day after finals completely happy to be returning home. Mother nature, somehow, grew a penis and attempted to put it in my mouth in the form of a blizzard on my travel home. It takes roughly 3 hours for me to get home on a good day...I spent an improved 5 hours driving through the abominable snow man's taint.

Luckily I manned up and whipped I-75's ass just to return home in time to not eat or drink anything. Why do you ask? The day after my completion of my first semester, I had the pleasure of going to the oral surgeon to get my wisdom teeth removed...fucking wonderful. This surgery is usually reserved for people who have enough common sense to go to the doctor when shit starts growing in their mouth around age 18. Nope, not me...I like to party. I decided those teeth can fuck off and I went with it, after all, the dentist said I probably didn't need them removed. Probably is a bitch of a word. Nonetheless, as I sat in the surgeon's office awaiting anesthesia, I had the pleasure of finding out that general anesthetic would be unnecessary, a local numbing would suffice. Really? Didn't they do this shit in the Civil War? Am I supposed to start drinking whiskey now? Please? After putting up a decent and entirely unsuccessful fight, I was wide awake getting things ripped out of my head...you know, an average Saturday morning.

An hour later, I felt pretty good about it, and too high to walk. At least something was going right. A little misnomer they fail to warn you about, pain killers wear off. Hard. Writhing in pain and bleeding all over the good furniture, luckily I received a visit from my friends, who thought it'd be funny to come give me shit. After making fun of the way I talk and eating delicious food from the fridge in front of me, I had concluded I had the worst friends in the world. Taking a day to be high and sleep, I tried to hit Monday wide open and start a productive week. I was woke by a phone call from my boss on Monday morning, telling me I'm late to work. Fucking recockulous. After explaining why I couldn't be there with a mouth full of gauze he ended the conversation with, yeah that's bad about your teeth, sooo you'll be in about an hour right?

Wait...what?

Hey...where's your helmet?

December 3, 2009: Can I get a gag order for class?

Gunners. I wish I could define it into a workable definition. In law school, your professors will rely on the Socratic method, a cruel system of the professor posing a question to a specific student and obviously, the student answering. Note the emphasis on specific. The gunner tests the bounds of this idea. The gunner wants his/her answers to be heard and NEVER think of the consequences. Well, if I can't think of a good workable definition, I know I can create examples....

Classic Gunner (CG): Loud, inappropriate, lacking the IQ to be executed for a criminal offense: all of these are qualities that describe your vintage, classic gunner. The classic gunner will never fail to deliver at least once a class, to the dissatisfaction of your professor and peers. Don't confuse with the helpful volunteer, whose contributions are generally useful and make class meaningful. The classic gunner believes his answers are as true as Black's Law Dictionary. In all reality, they employ the legal analytical skills of Charles Barkley. Turrible. I don't have anything funny to say about the classic gunner, it's just a good introduction.

Captain Hypo (CHG): Hypotheticals are posed by your professor to test your knowledge of a rule and apply it to facts. If you're unlucky, you'll always have a CHG in your class. The CHG loves to make up his own facts and shoots them right back at the professor. These aren't legit questions. These are bullshit absurd scenarios that John fucking Grisham couldn't imagine.

Ex. CHG: So, what if a left handed Lithuanian woman, who just left her boss' Christmas party and is hammered drunk, drives into a pet store, sets free a few poisonous snakes, that proceed to slither into a hospital, bite 13 people, including one that was deathly ill, and transmitted the Ebola virus throughout the city?

Oh..my...God. How the hell did you conceive that? I'll answer your question for you in the approach that every jurisdiction has adopted: SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you want to make the professor hate you by asking him questions that couldn't be answered by Justice Scalia, do it on your own time. I don't pay my tuition to hear your useless hypotheticals, I'd rather listen to the only person in the room with a law degree teach.

The Great Storyteller: The great storyteller really doesn't have a wrong answer, or a terrible hypothetical to pose; they just want to tell a personal story that may/may not be relevant to what you're covering in class. NEWSFLASH: Nobody fucking cares. Period. You're not on Oprah shithead, keep your stories to yourself. There was a time when this type of participation was welcomed, it was also proceeded by recess and snack time and it wasn't a big deal if you happened to pee your pants.

The Eternal Winner (EW): Remember when your mother told you there will always be someone better than you? This person is always better than you. They can't hear your objections over the sound of how awesome they are. Check out some examples:

Ex. Man that property test whipped my ass.

EW: NOT ME! I fucked that test like a tied up goat in a state prison!

Ex. I can't believe I got an A- on my contracts essay!

EW: Weak sauce, needledick! I got an A+! Who let this fucking guy in our class?

Ex. I don't get the Rule Against Perpetuities at all...

EW: Are you a dumbshit? It's sooooo easy!

There are a few interesting points about these interactions other than they're a complete prick. They're lying most of the time OR they are smarter than you and will let you know it. Don't get me wrong, I'm super competitive, I'm making it top priority to try to get in the top 10% of my class, but if I do, I probably won't tell a soul about it. THAT'S the difference between me and the EW. The EW will do better than you, or they will lie about it. Either way, expect a huge billboard telling the whole world when it happens.

The Classhole: The worst gunner of all. This gunner is a legend and every person in every section in all 3 grades of law school knows their name. Imagine Forrest Gump goes to law school, if you will. They may assert their dominion as a dumbass early on by asking a question much like the Eternal Winner, but they'll soon shine through as The Classhole, the #1 Gunner. The classhole's ignorance extends far beyond the class setting, as they're mind-fucked thought process will openly spill in the hallways or library like a toxic waste dump, infecting everyone around them. You'll first find yourself involuntarily muttering "who the fuck is this jackass?" every time they talk. Next, this will evolve to "man will he just be quiet" and finally hitting its full blown fruition of "OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU HERE?". The mere raising of their hand will send a shock wave of discontented sighs, groans, and pure frustration across the room like a wildfire in Chinatown. Hearing one comment from the Classhole will make more facebook chat boxes pop up than a bad virus. It is completely obvious who the Classhole is to everyone BUT the Classhole. To quote a popular video "If you don't know who the Classhole is, it's probably you."

But for all of their flaws, the gunners do provide amusement and sometimes take the stress out of a class covering something stressful like future interests or UCC 2-207. However, they'll always eventually say something ridiculous that shocks the mind and will inevitably make the entire class say wait...what?

Oh, you'll do fine/It'll all be worth it.

December 1, 2009: Things not to say to me

When I'm not getting an academic punch to the nuts (law school), I like to spend my time talking to friends. Inevitably, they always manage to pose the same questions/statements. Luckily, for everyone's convenience, I'll answer those questions and shed light on those response for everyone all at once. Here goes:

Q: Hey man, how's law school?
A: Shitty. For every 8 hours I spend studying, I receive 2 hours of class time telling me I'm barely competent enough to make ice water and not shit myself in public. See how that could get old?

S: Why study so much, I thought you were smart?
A: Yeah, you're right. I'm smart, so obviously there's no need to spend time doing bullshit things like studying the complex United States legal system. I could maximize my free time with productive things, like sticking my dick in a light socket or banging my head against a wall.

S: Yeah, but think man...it'll all be worth it.
A: THE WORST STATEMENT EVER. I don't want to hear that. At all. There's no light at the end of the tunnel, my eyes are just getting used to the dark. You know what else would be worth it? Kicking you in the teeth.

S: Yeah, I know what you're going through, I just finished a 12 page English paper.
A: No you fucking don't. Period. I'd burn down a building full of America's cutest puppies to only have to do a 12 page English paper. What else is due tomorrow, your thesis on how to not get your dick caught in your fly?

Q: Hey man, I have this legal problem...
A: Stop right there. I've been in law school for 4 months, I'm not a lawyer, not even close. I'd love to bill you for my wildly unlearned legal opinion (for now), but things called LAWS prevent me from doing that. Guess you could always take the unconventional approach and ask a real lawyer.

Q: Well what the hell are you learning up there?
A: I'm really sorry in 4 months I haven't learned what your legal rights are after you power bombed your girlfriend into a dumpster. I really am. I know it doesn't seem like I've learned jack shit, but there's more to law than your specific problems. But you're right, I'm useless.

S: Yeah, I'm thinking about law school, I love law and order....
A: Wait...What?

Inaugural Post

Wait...what? Once a day, someone says something so ridiculous, so absurd that it makes me waste roughly 10 seconds of my day thinking, wait...what? Allow me to back track. My name is Ronnie and most of my somewhat normal life has been consumed by law school. Amidst my first semester at law school, my life, or lack thereof, has been been dedicated to burying my nose in casebooks, skimming through study supplements, and searching online research sites...but something has to give. Hence, I've began a blog. Author of a former blog in undergrad., my time as a "blogger" was far from formal or illustrious, but it always seemed to spark a few laughs and was at least worthy of a five minute read. This blog is not to inform you of recent events in my life, this blog is dedicated to things that make my head hurt. This blog is solely dedicated to things that make any normal person ask: Wait...what?